Monday, August 4, 2008


so between all of the stress that has been ebbing out of me because of work/what the fuck am i doing in life kind of stuff... this show, and the festival/performing/career stuff, and all of the inner work i have been doing... i am either totally unraveling or really coming into my own for the first time in my life, and i can't honestly tell which, as it changes from moment to moment.

i think i am starting to replace my former addiction to cigarettes for a predilection for effing coffee, which i am finding i love in all of its forms (after 28 years of hating the shit), and i don't know if it's the age, the coffee, the stress, but i am developing a fucking facial tick!

not fucking joking. i am literally winking like tweek on south park.
which leads me to believe that it is the coffee.

but it did somewhat begin as something voluntary... just doing a wink to you know, to indicate a little acknowledgment, like winks do... but now i acknowledge nothing to no one. as though there is a camera watching me and i want it to know that i know it's there. ha ha i see you!

i do it when i catch myself thinking things that read across my face... i have always been a pretty open book that way... like when i am even remotely upset, people are always like, "GOD, What's WRONG?!?!"

And I think "What do you mean? What?"

and lately the thoughts that trigger my Ctrl+Alt+Delete winking are ALL FUCKING... FUCKING! Jeez, sitting here throughout the day as people are putting timesheets on my desk and asking me to schedule Steering Committee meetings between 10 doctors, and fax and set up video conferences.... my mind keeps escaping the cubicle and running around naked and screaming and bucking wildy.

it's like, my boss comes out and hops around in front of my desk and leaves 4 different things for me to do, and then he goes back into his office, and all i can think about is bent over, thick slithering dicks like semi-turgid pistons, fucking hard against surfaces, upright, to the side, flesh and fluid and torn clothing, and then i'm like,


"Everyone knows!"

and I fucking wink!

YIKES! and it's not like it's him or anyone really that i am thinking of in particular... just random rugged faces... caricatures... or really, just parts, and textures and colors. and all of this probably (and because of its intensity, hopefully) just means that i am ovulating, and it's amazing to how strong my body's hormones and cycles are coming on, now that all of these barriers i have had around my psychic inner self (and sense thereof) for years are starting to fall off on re-entry as a real, full person on this planet. The synthesis of all of these things I thought I'd had a grip on from puberty and gender study reading lists, is overwhelming cause fuck all if none of it even applies to the here and now!

So again the world must bear with my body. File it all under TMI, and don't forget to include that I've had I've had it fucking rollicking, frolicking, ringing around my rosies, doing ollies up around my skull and you're the people who like to read about this shit, so congratulations, you opted for what's in the box.


maybe i do have early onset tourettes? well, i guess early onset would have been like when i was a kid. like the tourettes episode of south park.

but i've got the uncontrollable filth matched with physical ticks... and then sometimes just the physical tick... which would probably be cured by some actual uncontrollable filth. but that's not happening these days, and it's probably appropriate since i have too many eggs scrambling upstairs to be beating the ones below.


Byrne said...


Don said...

I think you may have a few things on your mind, but don't we all. I think you actually try and some what's on your mind and that leads to alot of unanswered questions and slight stress. Could be, I have been there myself.